Failure to Pull the Trigger: Stories

I was at a bar with my friend and we were just shooting the shit. There was a Ukrainian girl behind us, don’t exactly remember her name but I opened her and we started talking. I was sitting on a bar stool, my friend was on my right but the bar stool to my left was unoccupied so after chatting her up for a bit, I tell her to join me to my left. She acquiesces. So after talking to her for a bit I notice that she’s really inebriated. Something happened and all of a sudden she calls me cute. She’s really cute herself, brunette with green eyes, she was twenty-four. I’d give her about a seven.

After her calling me cute and after I returned the complement, we locked eyes for about five seconds. She smiled and then laughed and said, “what?” I knew she wanted me to kiss her at that point but I was too stupid and shy to do it. We were sitting on bar stools right in front of the bartender (who I was chatting up earlier) and I felt weird about making out with a girl right in front of her. Very stupid I know. So after a few minutes, the Ukrainian girls walks away. Consequently, that’s what happens when you miss your opportunity, the window closes and the girl leaves to go out for a smoke. Never saw her again.

Literally

I went out clubbing for my buddy’s birthday and my other friend brings out one of his female friends. We were teasing, flirting and talking for a majority of the night. I kino’d hard. It’s very easy to physically escalate in clubs since you’re either standing by the person with nothing between you guys or sitting next to each other on those long couches with nothing between you and the girl as well. So this girl was pretty cute, Russian and Romanian if I remember correctly, nice blue eyes and curly brown hair. At the end of the night I walked away from her and the overall VIP booth, I went to the bar to buy a drink and she actually followed me. She asks what I was doing, and is shocked how much I drank that night without getting drunk as everyone was wasted. Then she starts playing with her hair and just generally being ditzy and flighty. She grazed her boob against my chest several times as she whispered into my ear if I remember correctly. The kino was good. This was probably the moment to kiss her but I didn’t. I went for the number instead. She immediately takes my phone out of my hand and inputs her number and then calls herself so she has mine. When I got home, I sent her the obligatory, “Hey, it’s that cool guy from the bar, I hope you ended up getting home safe.” She responded and we texted for a bit and then nothing. Texted her a few weeks later to start a conversation and then nothing. I didn’t escalate and didn’t kiss her so she doesn’t see me as a viable option.

What I should’ve done

I was on a date a several years go, probably when I was seventeen. We went out for coffee, it was great, after three hours, I decide to walk her back to her place. This girl was actually really cool and smart as a whip. Brunette with green eyes as well (like most of the girls I hit on). A poli sci major who wanted to go to law school. She invites me in. I cluelessly ramble the whole time and didn’t even both escalating. Forgive me I was only seventeen at the time. So she tells me to come to the window to check something out and it’s something far away. It was like some church steeple that we got see from her window. After checking it out, we were just standing there. I looked at her for a bit and she looked at me but nothing more. Should have kiss her right then and there. She set it up perfectly, and was literally begging me to kiss her. I hadn’t realized that this was the moment until days after the date and I told my friend about it, he told me I was an idiot (rightly so). I’m dumb as fuck I know. Then again, I was young and naive and didn’t have any balls. I ask her out for a sushi, a couple of weeks later and she says she’s busy. The following week I tried again, she says the same thing. Never heard from her again. I ran into her at a Halloween party the following year and it was awkward as fuck. Especially since all her friends know about me at this point. I just said hi and asked how she was doing and walked away from her as I thought she was a bitch at this point.

I don’t know what it is, but I just have a problem with pulling the trigger. I haven’t kissed a girl in a while too, if I was more daring I wouldn’t be having this problem.

Kassandra

When I first saw her, I was enamored by her beauty to the point that I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was sitting beside me in class and I looked over several times and I saw her light green eyes, red lipstick and long dirty blonde hair. She was wearing a skirt and her legs were literally glowing. I got a primal rush of blood. At this point, I stupidly looked over and asked her for the date (that’s all I could come up with). She told me the date and that was all.

a little bit more pale and they would be twins

The next class, we exchanged several glances at each other but no words were spoken as we were sitting very far away from each other. After a few classes, I asked her if she wanted to grab food after class so we went out for dinner and drinks at the school bar. She was much cooler than I thought she would be. She’s bashful, very feminine, ditsy yet intelligent at times and she challenged me. Even gave me a couple shit tests. After our third drink of an old-fashioned, she asked, “Is this your plan, to get me drunk?” I responded with, “Is it working?” Laughter and giggling ensued. Shit test successfully passed. Many laughs, stories, I DHV’d and impressed her with my intelligence and explained many concepts to her. I also kino’d. When the end of the night arrived, and the big moment came to kiss her, I choked. Got butterflies in my stomach and just hugged her stupidly. That was the moment. I missed it.

After many teases and jokes through text, I ask her out again a couple weeks later. She assents in a timely fashion and doesn’t flake at all (actually showed up to the venue before me). We then go out to the art gallery downtown and grab lunch afterwards. She actually looked great but I didn’t complement her at all. The looks that I got just by being with her were validating to be honest. Seeing many heads turn and people staring was a good feeling. Unfortunately and stupidly, I didn’t kiss her. Again I go home with regrets. Although we had fun, I feel like I can’t keep missing these opportunities. In my defense, the opportunity to kiss her didn’t come up on this date. There was very minimal touching as we were at a museum/art gallery the whole day. During lunch, we were sitting across from each other and just conversed. Talking to her made me realize how well raised and genuine she is. She’s also an ardent Christian who reads the bible for fun. Highly doubt she has a high notch count since she’s from a small town and still lives at home with her parents. Needless to say, she’s a really good person with a good moral compass and traditional values.

After the date, I sent her the obligatory, “I had a lot of fun and we should definitely do that again.”

She told me a story about one of her friends who was cheating on their BF for four years. She couldn’t believe it when she found out and was appalled. Signalling that that’s unacceptable behaviour for her.

So, you can say that I’m talking to/seeing her now. Not really sure what the colloquial term is these days. The problem is, she’s the hottest girl that I’ve been out with and when I do eventually kiss her, she’ll be the hottest girl I’ve ever kissed. I would give her an 8. Every time I’m out with her, I get butterflies in my stomach and get a wee bit nervous. I don’t usually get nervous on dates but this chick is just so hawt.

N.B. Sorry for the chopped and irregular nature of the writing. It was a rushed post and I wanted to get a post in before my power nap. More posts will be coming soon. 

Entitlement: Part II

I have many inner demons to fight, probably more than most people. I’ve realized that entitlement is something that I possess. I chastise people (albeit not overtly) for their blatant entitlement, but I myself have fallen prey to this unfavourable character flaw. Hypocrisy is one of those things that’s easy to see in others but hard to see in yourself.

I already wrote a post on my relative mild entitlement but I’ve come to the conclusion that this ought to be addressed again. My entitlement stems from the fact that I believe I deserve girls who share similar hobbies and interests as me. I think I deserve girls who were endowed with the same disposition as me. I think that just because they’re erudite, cultured and well-read as I am, we ought to be inseparable. This is obviously not true but it causes considerable cognitive dissonance for me. I can’t come to terms with the fact that nobody belongs to anyone despite their gross similarity in nature or disposition. For some reason, it greatly pains me to see a girl who I have so much in common with reject me. It’s quite fascinating and saddening at the same time.

I guess I still have some vestiges of the blue pill social narrative ingrained in me. You’re told to just be yourself, be a gentleman and you’ll find someone who shares the same interests, hobbies, idiosyncrasies and life outlook as you. If you open the door, pull out chairs for this girl, buy her flowers and chocolates, you’ll end up with her and live happily ever after. However, I keep seeing these attractive, educated, cultured and intelligent girls fall for guys who are just the opposite. Guys who know nothing about Kant, Camus, the Berlin Wall or the Hundred Year’s War.

My dejection is caused by the presumption that these girls should not be with these guys and that they should be with guys like me. I cannot understand what makes this such a difficult concept to grasp and what makes these girls so unattracted to me. What’s worse is that the object of my adoration is also the source of my anguish. I can’t do this anymore, I just can’t. Writing this alone was painful for me and I’m sick of seeing these women date men who they have nothing in common with.

Maybe these women reject me because they can tell that I have inner demons to fight and I’m not at peace and calm with myself. How can you blame me? I’m lost for words. Something’s gotta give.

Will Post Soon…

Yet again, I apologize for my irregular responses. This blog isn’t dead, I’ve just been busy with hitting on girls and actually hanging out with them as opposed to just writing about them. I have a couple interesting stories for you involving roofies and missed opportunities that I will explicate in due time. Way too tired to write right now.

An Ode to Game

This blog isn’t dead, just haven’t had much motivation to write sadly. It was even difficult for me to write this one, I’m actually reallIy drained from life itself.

Regardless, I have good news. I hooked up with a girl a couple of days ago. I went out clubbing with a couple buddies of mine for my best friend’s birthday party. One of the girls I mentioned in the blog earlier (Catherine) was also there with her hot friend Miranda. Catherine has a boyfriend now and we don’t really talk after I told her I couldn’t be friends with girls I’m attracted to, she took it very well and wasn’t affected at all.

Anyways, I tried a very different outfit that night and it worked wonders for me. Girls were much more receptive to me and girls were asking me what I do for a living. The first girl I was talking to was at the bar while I was ordering a drink, I simply opened her with, “what drink are you getting?” then we spoke for about 10 minutes from there. She was a slender blue-eyed blonde with a body to kill for. I discovered that she’s 21, has only been in Canada for 3 weeks and is studying here for a year, she’s from the Ukraine and when I started speaking in Russian to her she was impressed (I only know how to say a few things in Russian). Then I asked her if she was from Kyiv, she said yes and asked me how I knew that. It pays off to know the capital cities of most of the countries in the world. She told me her name was Katherine and I asked her if her Ukrainian name was Kasha, she also asked me how I knew that. I hate showboating but it’s way too easy. Her friend ended up joining us after and it kind of hampered my progress because I also had to give her some attention. When introducing myself to her friend, I shook her hand and she said not many people do that. I said “what,” she said, “shake someone’s hand when meeting them.” I never knew hand shaking was a dying trend. Turns out I’m classy too. I ended up getting the hot Ukrainian’s number before they went to the dance floor.

I met two chicks in the middle of the dance floor later on in the night and they were about 24 years old. 3 years older than me. One was Asian and the other was white. The white one was being very conceited and pompous. She wanted to talk to me about her career and kept on throwing out that she’s a registered dietitian now and she graduated from university etc…Things I don’t really care about. We started dancing and I tried to grind with her she stopped and said no. I didn’t bother with her anymore and I proceeded to her Asian friend who was just as hot as she was. They were both about 7. The white girl was a brunette with light brown eyes if I recall correctly. The Asian was really cute and bubbly; the minute I went up to her we started dancing and we got along really well. We began grinding passionately then I turned her around and we made out several times as I ran my fingers through her hair.

After several minutes of this, her white friend comes and tries to pull her away saying, “we need to use the washroom.” My girl didn’t wanna go so I picked her up and walked away and we resumed making out. As I picked her up, she was suspended in the air so her legs were wrapped around my waist and her hands were around my neck. We kissed in this position. Other guys were patting me on the back for this and whatnot. For some reason I love doing this.

I got to know her a little bit and she told me that she’s a marketing strategist for BMW. I got her number and we went our separate ways because her friend kept pulling her away and she finally succumb. I think her friend was jealous that she wasn’t getting any and the same guy that she rejected ended up hooking up with her best friend. Girls are jealous creatures and they’d rather see their friend unhappy and alone than with someone. Misery loves company right.

Later on in the night, I saw a hot blonde talking to a guy who looked like he wasn’t making any headway so I stole her away from him. We started talking and I discover that she’s 25, half German and English and she’s getting married – this is her bachelorette party. Once she told me she was German, I asked, “Du Sprichst Deutsch?” then she started speaking in German to me, I said something else in German, can’t remember what and then we switched to English. She was very impressed with my German because I’m not German. Yes folks, after speaking Russian earlier, I also know a little bit of German. I can also speak Arabic fluently (and no I’m not Arab), French conversationally and Spanish scarcely.

We chatted for a little bit and then I told her it was nice meeting her and I wish her a happy and healthy marriage. I didn’t think much would come of it but I saw her 10 minutes later and she introduces me to all her bridesmaids/friends who are all hot. She said, “come meet my friend, he’s really cool…” Lesson of the day: it doesn’t hurt to be nice once in a while. Good things might come of it. Since these girls were introduced to me by their friend, they all thought I was a decent guy, but it turns out most of them were engaged but it was still nice conversing with them, it increased my social value in the club.

Needless to say, my hard persistence and incalculable efforts in the field seem to finally be paying dividends. I made out with one girl and got 2 numbers; not too shabby if you ask me. If you told me that I would be hooking up with a girl who was 3 years my senior a few years ago, I would bite your hand off to get it. Discovering game has really been the best thing to ever happen in my life. Now I will see where it goes with the Ukrainian girl and the Chinese girl since I got both of their numbers.

Stats

Last 6: Caroline, Hanna, Sarah, Lauren, Caitlin, Brianne (make out and fingered) all rejected me. Getting one make out of the last 6 girls that you talked isn’t bad I guess. Hanna texted me for a bit then she went dry, Sarah was an Italian girl I met at a club. We talked for a bit then it went dry. Lauren was the girl that caused drama. I probably wanted her the most. Caitlin just wanted to be friends and I told her that wasn’t possible…while Caroline is just a hot girl I met at a club. 

Entitlement

My latest heartbreak taught me a very important lesson. I shouldn’t be entitled to a girl just because we have the same interests. Just because we had the same taste in literature, philosophy, same kind of humour and share the same discipline in school, it doesn’t mean that I deserved her.

That was probably the stupidest assumption for me to make. I felt like just because we had this connection and we got along on certain fronts that I was automatically entitled to her, sexually. Nothing could be further from the truth. Seduction isn’t just about having common interests with a woman, it’s about garnering attraction in her for you.. I shouldn’t have had such high hopes about her, she was just one girl who happened to read the same books that I’ve read.

It’s a very important lesson to learn for the future.

Manly Emotions

As a man, either you suck it up or you look like a pussy. We’re told we shouldn’t express our emotions otherwise we look like cowards, sissies etc. Men who show emotion are viewed negatively (rightly so) for being feminine because they let their veneer of toughness slip and the truth reveals itself. It’s quite a tightrope to walk on because if you don’t express your emotions then you suffer by experiencing it in solitude which can be psychologically damaging. Needless to say, the cognitive dissonance that results from this can add fuel to the fire of your already existing emotional crisis.

My friends tend to say that I’m too emotional, sensitive and soft. Even though it’s true, it’s very embarrassing to hear it from other people. That in of itself should prove my point. If I feel shame from this then that means that it’s not alright for a man to be open about his emotions. My close friend from high school called me a pussy and a bitch and said that I blow things out of proportion and everything is always a major life problem with me (I was complaining to him about a girl that blew me off). He even went to the extent of calling me a girl. I commend him for being honest with me and hold no grudges against him.

I was talking to my friend’s girlfriend one time and she said that she hates sensitive and emotional guys. Her exact words were, “I can’t stand them. I hate guys that write poems for girls and are wimpy…” My friend immediately looked at me with a face that said that’s you. Implying that she would hate guys like me. That irritated me severely but I didn’t acknowledge it.

I hate having the reputation of being the sensitive guy among my friends. With that being said, I will no longer discuss my feelings or emotions with others, no matter how visceral. I’m smart enough to deal with my emotional crises on my own, I don’t need the help of others. I’ll have to suffer on my own to avoid further ridicule. I wanna be the tough, rugged, masculine and mysterious guy that no one can figure out.

 

Why?

I thought she could’ve been the one, I started getting all sorts of crazy thoughts about her. I knew this was stupid, but you can’t really control your emotions can you. She’s just so pretty, sexy, cute, beautiful and elegant. I wanted to get to know her and find out what makes her tick. I wanted to discuss philosophy and literature with her while gazing at the stars and drinking a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. I wanted be able to move the hair out of her face on a windy day. I wanted to be able to carry her to the bedroom if she was too tired or lazy. I wanted her to be able to lay on my shoulder when she’s tired while I comfort and caress her. I wanted to be able to hear the innermost recesses of her thoughts and emotions. I wanted to go on road trips and vacations with her. I wanted to be able to show her off at parties and dinners. But all my desires are in vain. That’ll never happen, ever. She doesn’t fancy me, she says she’s busy. If she wanted me, she could make the time. She said I was cool and sweet but she wasn’t looking for anything serious. Dear me…

The One and Only

She’s idolized as the most beautiful woman to ever grace the earth, she died many years ago but posters and paintings of her are still sold. Almost every girl has a wallpaper of her in their room and they’ve quoted her on facebook or other social media sites at least once.

The truth of the matter is that Marilyn Monroe was imperfect, dysfunctional and extremely promiscuous. She was divorced thrice, had an affair with the president of the United States and his brother (which has been well documented), she had substance abuse problems with drugs and alcohol and to top it all off, she committed suicide because she couldn’t accept that fact that she was aging and her looks were fading. To add insult to injury, she’s not even that great of an actress. There were much better actresses in her day that aren’t given much credence to. Whom you might ask? Well, there’s Vivian Leigh, Lauren Bacall, Jean Seberg and Audrey Hepburn. It’s debatable whether or not these women were as attractive as Marilyn was but needless to say, they were much better actresses.

With that being said, you can understand why I find it so mind boggling when women my age idolize and worship Marilyn Monroe. She only had her body and sexuality, that’s it. She shouldn’t be venerated or revered as a god-like figure. I don’t mean to dance on her grave but the truth had to be said so people know who they’re idolizing.

Moreover, the media and popular culture just won’t let her rest. The woman’s dead for goodness sake, just let her rest and stop profiting off her.